There's a big, black fly in my house that won't leave me alone. I call him Fido.
Fido's all over me, unless I've got a fly swatter or rolled-up paper in my hand.
As much as I want to whine about Fido, he's nothing, nothing at all, compared to the wildlife in my friend's house in Greeley, Colo. I can't even begin to rephrase what she wrote, so I'm giving it to you straight from psycho woman's fingers.
I might have started with the fact it tried to bite me, but she started at the beginning.
"There was a snake in MY HOUSE last night - it tried to bite me, but only got my shoe. There I am trying to figure out what the $%#*! I was going to do, only to find it slithering through a tiny hole in the wall at the top of the stairs - UH OH!
My brother comes over and we start downstairs he stops on the staircase to talk to me and the dog is by my foot and I feel something - I think it's the dog, of course, but NO, it's the snake crawling on my foot. SCREAM!
My brother almost falls down the stairs, the snake and the dog are now wrestling on the floor and I'm trying to get to high ground on the couch - three stooges time.
The snake is in my living room, I'm on the couch, my brother is on the floor and the cat and dog are chasing both of them! I got a spatula and a box (a star shaped Christmas box out of cardboard 'cause it is the only one I could find and it actually had fake straw in it) and we finally wrangle the beast into the Christmas box, tape it up and set him up on the kitchen counter for the night.
My brother and I are huge animal fans and we cannot put it outside - it has snowed and is cold and it would freeze because it would have no hibernation spot.
But good news. Fang has been freed into the wild of my horse barn. My brother dug a hole and placed him in it under leaves where two veterinary offices (yes, two, because I didn't believe the first one I called) said that if he had that type of place he would hibernate and be just fine for the winter.
And so I will probably get a visit from babies next year - oh goody! And, yes, I did check the rest of my house for any snaky siblings 'cause if I find a coiled up snake in my bed, well, you will hear the scream, I assure you!"
It's a good thing I didn't have to read this to you because I can't get past it slithering through that tiny hole without a laughing attack. It was a bull snake, by the way, not one of Colorado's rattlers.
So long friends, until the next time when we're together.
Sandy Mickelson is the former Lifestyle editor. She is retired. She may be reached at email@example.com.